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My 2018 resolution was to try things I have zero natural talent for. Normally I purposefully don’t make New Years Resolutions. That, I guess, is a resolution in and of itself, but it has/had to do with loving myself as is, no changes necessary, blah blah blah. As my self-worth has healed over the years, it may have also been a teensy, tiny bit because I just plain didn’t want to. Especially as you get older, trying hard or scary things becomes harder and scarier. But last fall, I was in a little bit of a rut. My husband of three months had just deployed, I hadn’t found my place in North Dakota yet, and facing the below-zero temperatures of an upper Midwest winter for the first time had me more than a little apprehensive. All that’s not to say I wasn’t happy -- because, holy moly, I was -- but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being aimless, unmoored. If we’re scheduling amateur psychology hour, I’m sure that particular resolution -- my first in more than five years -- culminated from a need to know that I had the ability to do things I’ve always considered myself bad at. That I was brave enough to try things I really didn’t know if I could complete, let alone be good at. That, even if I couldn’t complete them, I’d be ok. Idk. But anyway, that resolution resulted in me signing up for my first half-marathon. I am THE WORST runner. Not only am I slow, I look like Phoebe from that Friends episode where Rachel is too embarrassed to be seen with her. You know the one: I had three goals:
1) To finish (truly did not know if that would happen); 2) To run the first 10 miles without walking; 3) If Goal 1 and Goal 2 were going well, I wanted to finish under 2.5 hours. I had done 10 miles without walking in a training run, so I knew I could do that, but it had taken me right at 2 hours (I told you I was slow). So 13.1 miles under 2.5 hours was going to be iffy. Since we’re almost 10 paragraphs into this blog post and I still haven’t gotten to the point, I’ll finish this intro up. I finished, I managed to run 13.1 miles without walking, and I made it in 2 hours and 21 minutes. Boom. (Also, praise Jesus 🙌) My main takeaway from this experience was that the hardest things really do give you a whole lot of satisfaction. I hate that. I wish it were the easy stuff that gave you the most satisfaction. But unfortunately, that’s just not true. So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m continuing my 2018 resolution into 2019. And, as you may know, I’m upping the ante with a full marathon. Once again, I have no idea if I’ll be able to make it to the finish line, except this time, I REALLY have no idea if I’ll be able to make it to the finish line. A full marathon is like two half-marathons in a row. Gulp. And my training runs, even though so far they haven’t even exceeded six miles, have been HARD. Again, gulp. But, I said I wanted a challenge, so I guess I can’t complain. However, because I probably will complain, I gave myself a little extra motivation: Through this marathon, I am raising money for the National Eating Disorders Association. (Click here for my fundraiser link). And, I am happy to say, thanks to your generosity, we have almost hit the $200 mark! In sum, finishing a marathon and raising $1,500 for NEDA are my main goals for 2019. But, because I felt more than a little feckless after I finished my half-marathon at the beginning of last year, those aren’t my only two goals. Others include completing a triathlon, visiting more national and state parks, traveling to Scotland, finishing the book I’ve been writing for almost four years (oops), brewing my own kombucha, and being more confident in conflict. As I mentioned above, I really don’t like making goals, mostly because I’m scared I won’t accomplish them, and I hate the feeling that accompanies that. So maybe that’s something that’s also carrying over from my 2018 “do more things I’m bad at” resolution -- not being afraid of making resolutions. In 2019, I might not meet some -- or any -- of my goals, and that’s something I’m trying to be ok with. We’ll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. Until then, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m going to give it my best shot.
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About the AuthorConfessions of a failed southern lady. I've got messy hair and a thirsty heart. Writer, photographer, career wanderer. Archives
May 2023
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