Anna Rae Gwarjanski Portfolio |
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit them together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! It is amazing to think about. Your workmanship is marvelous-- and how well I know it. You were there while I was being formed in utter seclusion! You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book!" —Psalm 139:13-16 In church this morning, our associate pastor prayed something that stuck with me. "I just want to thank you, God, that you chose me way before I chose you," he said.
"Chosen" is a beautiful word. Everyone remembers picking teams in elementary school. No matter how confident you were in your athleticism, when someone chose you for their team, it validated you. That elated feeling I got when my name was called never went away for me; as an ardent people-pleaser, knowing that someone wanted me on their team made me feel more than good about myself. I still remember my turning point in my relationship with God. A few years ago, I was halfheartedly watching YouTube videos with my roommate Paige. She was showing me different sermons she had found that she loved. We had already watched a couple of videos, and if I'm honest, I was a little bored, but then this one pastor said something that just burst my heart open. He said, "God loves you so much, you know that? He sent his son to die for you, and he would have done the same thing even if you were the only person on the planet, because he wants you in his family, just the way that you are." A little background: I realize this might be sacrilegious, but knowing that Jesus died for us was never crazy impressive to me. Soldiers give their lives for us everyday. I like to think that even I would jump in front of a bullet for someone I loved. I never found dying for someone or something to be that heavenly of a feat. What struck me about that pastor's statement was that God didn't just send his son to die for me so that we could go our separate ways-- he sent his son to die for me, even without knowing if I would accept this precious gift, because he wanted to get to know me. He wanted a deep, connected relationship with me. Relationships are messy. I tend to shut down when relationships get hard. That's one reason I love animals so much-- relationships with them are simple. You feed them and pet them, be gentle with them, and they love you unconditionally. With people, one plus one doesn't always equal two. Sometimes you can love people and have the best intentions with your actions, and you can still hurt them, and they can still get angry with you. I'll take hiking with only my dog over hanging out with humans any day of the week. Familial relationships can especially be grueling. They're the people you're stuck with, for better or worse. I love my family, and they're good people, but I've got my hands full with them, and I'm sure them with me. Adding another messed up person to my family, learning to love them through their faults-- that would definitely be a challenge, to say the very least. And yet, God still chose me, crazy, bitter, selfish me, to be in his family. He wants to go through the messy stuff with me. That blew my mind. Even today, four years later, it blows my mind. When I realized that God wanted me in his family, on his team, that's also when I started believing in my purpose. I'm still learning what that is, but I know that there's a reason I was put on this Earth. Knowing that is what keeps me going when my depression rears its ugly head and makes it hard for me to get out of bed. When life is painful, as it always is for everyone at some point, I tell myself "I am chosen, and I have value, and there is something in me that the world needs. I am alive for a reason. Don't give up." I don't know what you might believe, but whatever you think, billions of atoms, atoms that came from all over the earth and the universe, incredibly, magically even, came together to form YOU. And the universe doesn't make mistakes. There's a Serbian proverb that I love that says "be humble for you a made of earth, be noble for you are made of stars." You have a purpose. Your heart beats for a reason. There is something in you, in me, in all of us, that the world needs. You are chosen.
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About the AuthorConfessions of a failed southern lady. I've got messy hair and a thirsty heart. Writer, photographer, career wanderer. Archives
May 2023
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