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“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow -- this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” HOLY SCHNIKES Craig and I have been married a whole month!
It’s been wonderful. And challenging. And exciting. And a learning experience. And gratifying. And overwhelming. It’s all I ever thought it would be, and more. Every now and then, it really hits me how freaking lucky I am. I look at my new house, my dogs, my husband (!!!), my new life in general, and I am simply amazed. While I wouldn’t say I’ve been unhappy most of my life, there’s always been a certain level of well-being I never thought I deserved. I don’t know if that’s my depression or eating disorder or low self-esteem talking, or maybe a combination of all three, but I always figured that while I could fight through my daily battles with laughter, actual bliss would never be mine. Now, it is. Holy moly, it is. As my beautiful, wise friend Sloane Pitman Zupon said about her new husband, "I don't deserve you, will never deserve you, and I am so grateful that this life isn't about getting what we deserve; it's about loving bigger and better than we think possible. It's about showing up, holding space, breaking down, sacrificing, surrendering, and forgiving." She took the words right out of my mouth. My life is reversed from what I always thought it would be -- I used to live in a state of darkness and I would sometimes find joy around the edges, but now I live in a state of contentment, even on the bad days. And, don’t get me wrong, there are bad days. Even though we’re in the “honeymoon” phase, there’s a lot of transition that goes into living with someone else. We’re both stubborn and used to doing things our own way, and sometimes our own ways don’t match up. For me, the biggest upheaval was not having a job the first few weeks after the move. I’m coaching part time now, but I had a bit of a breakdown about being unemployed a week into our marriage. It sounds dramatic (and it was, a little), but I was feeling unproductive and like all my hard work to escape from small-town Alabama life via undergrad and grad school was for naught. I tearily explained to Craig that I just wasn’t good at being a housewife -- I’m pretty sure I had burned dinner that night, smoking up the kitchen, and that was the catalyst -- and it made me feel useless. I don’t have a green thumb. I can cook pretty well, but I’m not a chef. I don’t keep the house pristine. I only shave my legs once a week (if that). I’m working on all those attributes, but constantly doing things that aren’t my cup of tea after having a job that I was really good at last year was taking a toll on my self-worth. During my breakdown, after comforting me for a while, Craig said what is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life: “I just had no idea women had so many feelings.” The irony of it snapped me out of my crying jag and made me laugh. In my head, I was thinking, "Dude, you literally married someone who's been on Prozac for the last five years and regularly writes about mental illness." But, Craig said it so sweetly, so genuinely, and from such a heartfelt place that I feel like that's going to be one of my favorite memories from this time. And, of course, Minot Swim Club called me a couple days later and offered me a position. I guess what I’m trying to say is things are falling into place, and my impatience will probably be the death of me. A few nights ago, Craig and I were sitting on our back porch, watching the sun (not) set, and he said, “I wonder what we’ll think about this time when we look back in 20 years.” To be honest, I have no idea. I hope I remember the joy and the wonder, but I also hope I don’t glaze over the days that seemed more frustrating than euphoric. Because, even though those days aren’t as fun, we made it through them with humble love and honest communication, just like I know we’ll make it through the harder days ahead.
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About the AuthorConfessions of a failed southern lady. I've got messy hair and a thirsty heart. Writer, photographer, career wanderer. Archives
May 2023
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