Anna Rae Gwarjanski Portfolio |
Rugby 15’s season begins this week, and tomorrow I’m going to practice with my new team, the Dallas Harlequins, for the first time since I blew out my knee in December.
I. Am. Terrified. I got cleared for almost all exercises last month, and my doctor said I should be cleared for contact by the end of September. I’m currently five months out of surgery, and while my quad size is not totally equal to my good leg yet, I’m at 70 percent of my strength maxes that I hit when I was in the best shape of my life. Physically, I’m doing alright. Mentally, that’s another story. I’ve never been afraid of pain or discomfort before. I’ve dealt with and played through a lot of injuries in my 24 years – scoliosis, torn hip ligaments, broken feet, asthma, pneumonia, to name a few. I tore my shoulder labrum last year and never got it fixed because it rarely bothers me. When I tore my ACL at the beginning of a rugby warm up, I thought it was nothing, and I finished the practice. I broke my hand a couple months ago and didn’t even know it. My pain tolerance is unhealthily high. I’m a tough cookie. So believe me when I say that nothing, nothing, I have ever experienced can compare to the pain I felt after my knee reconstruction surgery in March. It was excruciating. The nerve block didn’t work on me for some reason, and I was in agony for two or three days, until they finally let me double my Vicodin dose. The thought of having to go through something like that again puts me in a cold sweat. But there’s another thought that echoes in my heart: I want to play again. I have a dream, and I’ve got to try to make it come true. I couldn’t live with the regretful “what-if’s” if I never even gave myself a chance. This is my sport. If Jillion Potter, USA Eagle, can come back from a broken neck, and then come back AGAIN, this time from cancer, and still play in the Olympics, surely I can strap my boots on after an injury that’s decently common among athletes. Yet, still. I’m scared. More scared than I’ve ever been in my life. But, I plan on facing that fear. So, readers, I need your help. How have you gotten over the mental hurdles from coming back from an injury? What did you tell yourself when you were facing a fear or setback? I’ll end with a quote I’ve been thinking about over the past few days. It’s kept me going: “If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.” – Charles Bukowski Here goes something.
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About the AuthorConfessions of a failed southern lady. I've got messy hair and a thirsty heart. Writer, photographer, career wanderer. Archives
May 2023
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