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“Dear [2017], As 2017 comes to a close, I’ve been doing a lot of stereotypical reflection on the last 12 months. On one hand, nationally and internationally, it seems like this year has been a complete and utter dumpster fire: there were white supremacy marches, multiple mass shootings, people are losing health care, and our national monuments are being stripped, and apparently Nazis are a thing again.
But, on the other hand, my personal 2017 has been wonderful. Recovered from knee reconstruction and got cleared to play rugby again? Check. Promoted to managing editor of my newspaper at 24 years old? Check. Received my first death threats (an indication that you’ve “made it” as a journalist)? Check. Officially adopted a second dog? Check. Got engaged to my best friend? Check. Quit said newspaper job to be with said best friend? Check. Moved to North Dakota? Check. Eloped? Check. Started my own photography business? Check. Saw the Northern Lights (a huge bucket list item for me ever since I saw Balto)? Check. Got to spend much-needed time with family and friends? Check. Finishing the year feeling more rejuvenated than I’ve ever been? Check. In sum, most educational, adventurous, craziest, soul-smashingly beautiful, overall best year of my life so far? Check. I know Taylor Swift has been getting a lot of flack recently for saying she “couldn’t have asked for a better year.” I understand the criticism, but selfishly… I kind of agree. That’s not to say I’m not upset about all of the injustices that have become more and more clear recently. Honestly, a lot of my thoughts revolve around how to reconcile today’s need for activism with my individual privileges and blessings. It keeps me up at night sometimes, because the more I learn, the more I feel the gap growing between those two things. And I don’t know how to fix it. That’s something else I learned in 2017: life’s complicated, and not everything has an easy solution -- or even a solution at all, for that matter. But, I think when a lot of things are going wrong, it is critical to take time to celebrate when things go right. And, while a lot of things went wrong for me this year, a heck of a lot more things went right. When I turned 25 this July, I quoted something Sophia Bush wrote: “[24], you've been good to me. Terrible to me. You've tested every ounce of my bravery and gumption. You've brought me to my knees in pain. You've shown me joy I never knew I could experience. You've made me laugh so hard that I've cried and lost my breath. You've given me clarity. You've revealed my power to me. I'm learning to own it, I am. To be in a place that feels this real, this good, and this hard-earned? My chest aches in gratitude. I am exactly where I'm meant to be. And as I look back, at the last 10 years even, and back at the me I used to be, I can't help but be overcome with grace, for her then, and for this me now.” It’s been five months since I posted it, but that quote still rings so true. 2016-17 was a very intense 12-15 months that I learned a lot from, but, in hindsight, I wasn’t totally prepared for at the time. So, for me, the latter half of 2017 has been about rest and recovery (big shoutout to my husband for being patient and letting me do that). I’m not a big fan of New Year's resolutions, but now that I’m nice and rejuvenated, it feels good to say I’m ready to get after 2018. Working in the media last year made me lose faith in the American people and the goodness of humanity as a whole, and I lost a lot of my passion because of that. So, I’m finishing 2017 working odd jobs that I love. They’re small jobs, to be sure, but it’s work that’s helped me find direction again. This coming year, I’m looking for something that meshes my masters degree with what’s important to my soul. I’m still discovering what that is, but I’m closer than I was before, and I’ve got a few kettles simmering on the stove. So, cheers to living bigger next year -- bigger dreams, bigger faith, bigger trust in myself. 2018, I’m coming for ya. You’re gonna be a good one.
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*Disclaimer: This post started out as an Instagram rant, but I was a little too long-winded (LOL surprise) and ran out of room. So, because I typed this entire thing on my phone, I'm apologizing ahead of time for any misspellings or weird autocorrects.* Haven’t posted a food pic in a while, but Chef A-Rae is still in business! Sunday dinner brought to you by turkey, spinach, and basil lasagna with provolone and cheddar cheese and steamed vegetables with Italian seasonings. On the side I’ve got a glass of boxed red wine, because we all know that’s about as classy as I get.
Old Anna Rae used to do a lot of <<very unhealthy>> fasting/detoxing the week after thanksgiving. Between leftover Halloween candy, never-ending thanksgiving dinners, and constant Christmas parties, this time of year used to be a nightmare for me. Combine those extra calories with coming home from college and getting off my exercise routine? Yeah... Let’s just say my mental state was no bueno. Thinking of being in a swimsuit in front of my coaches after Christmas break was enough to send me into a tailspin. I used to dread the holiday season because I was terrified of all the fat and carbs that are so prevalent in celebration foods, so much so that I couldn’t enjoy being around family and friends — what the holidays really should be about. Looking back, it seems silly to be “scared” of something that is vital for life. But truly, I was. Now? I know that IT’S OKAY if you take a few meals off from your healthy eating plan. You’re not “bad” for getting a second plate and you don’t “have to make up for” that piece of pumpkin pie. Fun fact: there is NO correlation between food and morality. As my husband likes to say, “have everything in moderation, including moderation” — something I truly believe. I eat my vegetables because they make my body feel good, but heck yeah I put extra cheese on the above-pictured lasagna because it makes my taste buds feel good. I’m not perfect, and I’m certainly not a healthy living guru. But, what I am is a girl who used to hate her body and who now does her best to cherish it. And it makes me so sad to hear people put themselves down. Trust me, dieting is a trip down the rabbit hole, and if you’re anything like me, the second you realize that, your life will change. Everybody’s version of health is different, but mine involves listening to my body and trusting it. Sometimes, my body wants salmon and sautéed asparagus and a nice big Greek salad to go along with it, and sometimes my body wants five scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Heck, sometimes my body wants all of the above. If you have read this far, I applaud you, and I’m sorry for my rant. It’s just that I’m so passionate about self-love because I know how exhausting and damaging it is to live without it, and I want to scream from the rooftops that THERE’S A BETTER WAY and THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH. Like how kind you are to others, how many breaths you get with the people you love, and how many times you laughed out loud today. Newsflash: if you’re not happy with yourself at 194 pounds, you’re not going to be happy with yourself at 136 pounds (speaking from experience here). No matter how much weight you lose, it’s still going to be the same you underneath. You may be thinking, "But Anna Rae, weren't you trying to lose weight just a few months ago? Didn't you write a whole blog post about it?" Answer: yes, and to some, that may make me a hypocrite. Who knows, maybe those people are right. But I say there's a HUGE difference in dieting because you feel like your self-worth depends on it and wanting to take care of your body by eating more nutritious foods (that's where the distinction lies with me — when I'm focused on loving my body, I think about eating more — more vegetables, more probiotics, more protein. What's unhealthy for me is when I focus on eating less). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: hating your body into being a certain way doesn’t work. Never let your life be reduced to a number on a scale. You are worth so much more than that. And you — yes, YOU — are more than enough, just the way you are. |
About the AuthorConfessions of a failed southern lady. I've got messy hair and a thirsty heart. Writer, photographer, career wanderer. Archives
May 2023
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