Anna Rae Gwarjanski Portfolio |
“When I grow up, I would like to have a lot of jobs. First, I would like to be Miss Alabama. Then, Miss U.S.A. After that, I’m going to be Miss Universe. I would like to go to Auburn University and be a cheerleader there. My favorite subject is H.A.S.P., so I will probably take chemistry. The other subjects are math, geography, and law. The reason I want to take a law course is because I am going to be the first female president. First, though, I’ll probably have to be some other political person.” “What’s your real job?”
There’s a question I’ve been getting a lot lately. “I’m a photographer!” “I’m writing a book!” or “This is my real job!” I never know how to answer it. I’ve written about this a few times now, but I’m 25 years old and I don’t know what I want to do in life. I worked my ass off for a masters degree in journalism... and then I discovered the cutthroat ways of a newsroom weren’t for me. So, I traded Anna Rae Gwarjanski, managing editor, for Anna Rae Clark, swim coach. Do I kind of feel like I’m wasting my masters degree? My potential? Yup. But here’s the deal: I LOVE coaching. Truly. Working with my young athletes is the best part of my day. I have no idea where that will lead me, but even if I do find some sort journalism position again, I know I want to continue coaching because it makes me so happy. And honestly, fuck potential. I spent 22 years chasing after my “potential,” and all I got from it was an eating disorder, terrible self-esteem, and a constant feeling of never being good enough. Yeah, I’m definitely done with all that. The fact that swimming brings me so much joy now is kind of odd. I was so mad at this sport for so long. It just goes to show how winding — full-circle, in my case — the path to healing can be. I know people say this a lot and it can get frustrating for people who, like me, have a few teeny tiny patience and control issues, but Jesus has a plan and MAN is it so much better than any blueprint I could have dreamed up. He gave me a hope and future better than any I could have asked for. God’s timing is never convenient, but it’s always right. I met Craig as I was finishing up grad school, about to finally embark on the path I’d spent six years of my life planning for and working toward. After my swim career tanked, I put everything I had toward journalism. I was one of only 12 people chosen to work for UA’s award-winning student-produced travel magazine. I earned a full ride to grad school. I wrote my thesis and got it published. I graduated summa cum laude. I was offered and accepted an editor position at a small but well-established newspaper. I was good — really good — at my job, and I got a promotion after only six months. On paper, I was in position to run a really successful rat race… ...But it didn’t make me happy. I was stressed out of my mind, I was 2.5 hours away from the love of my life and 12 hours away from my family. I cried myself to sleep more often than I’d like to admit. So I walked away from it. I eloped with my now-husband and moved to North Dakota. When I first got up here, I started coaching and teaching swim lessons just as a way to fill my time. In my head, I was only taking a break from journalism, and I’d go back to it as soon as I rested up a little bit. But then, for the second time in my life, I fell in love with the water, and, more than that, I fell in love with coaching. Perhaps most surprisingly, I fell in love with the town of Minot, North Dakota. And, lucky for me, Minot Swim Club offered me a full-time position. So here I am. And I’m just so grateful to be sitting here writing this, not as Anna Rae the smartypants journalist or Anna Rae the swimmer with potential, but as Anna Rae, the blogger. Anna Rae, the Air Force wife. Anna Rae, the small town swim coach. Just Anna Rae. Letting go of all the things I thought I should want and who I should be helped me find out what I REALLY want and who I REALLY am. I never thought being “just Anna Rae” would be enough for me, but it is. It’s much, much more than enough. 5-year-old Anna Rae wanted to have 20 kids and name them all after Disney princesses. 10-year-old Anna Rae wanted to be president. 15-year-old Anna Rae wanted to be an Olympic swimmer. 21-year-old Anna Rae wanted to change the world with her writing. 25-year-old Anna Rae just wants to live a simple life she’s proud of. Dreams change. And, sweet baby Jesus, am I thankful for it.
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About the AuthorConfessions of a failed southern lady. I've got messy hair and a thirsty heart. Writer, photographer, career wanderer. Archives
May 2023
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